I’ve been working on the LDS version of the 12 step addiction recovery program. For me, my addiction is food. My drug is food. It’s amazing how much of my life is dedicated to this wonderful and horrible substance. No one’s addiction is harder or easier than another’s, but I must admit that sometimes I wish I were addicted to something else as I can do *cold turkey*. One can’t just walk away from food. We must have it to survive, so I must change my way of thinking and acting towards it.
I’m on step 8 right now. It’s a long and hard ride to get this far, and I know the ride is far from over. I had read lat week to *trust in the process*. I’ve come to do that…or at least, I’m working on that.
I’ve had several breakthroughs in the last couple of weeks. It’s taken me months to get this far, and the breakthroughs certainly came at a time when it’s *darkest before the dawn*. I look at it all and realize one thing….it’s all a matter of pride.
Sounds a bit weird, huh?
I can’t be humble…teachable…willing to take on new ideas and challenges unless I’m first in a place where I can let go of what is holding me back. Letting go is difficult when it is comfortable and recognizable. Letting go requires being willing to move forward, too.
Part of my struggle is that I’ve wanted to let go, but have been so afraid of giving it up and letting go so completely as to begin a new path. I truly thought I was sincere, and I was, on a more conscious level, I was. I really couldn’t see where I was, though, until I was taken down several notches…..to rock bottom.
Yeah, I’ve been to rock bottom in my life several times over. Each time became a huge turning point, changing my life for in a new direction, and always for the better. I’ve been in such a dark place since the beginning of this program……pushing away those who are closest to me, hiding away, spending part of every single day crying, fighting the dark within me….the battle has been intense. I had to be taken down to such a low place and stripped of everything that I wouldn’t be so weighed down by so much which was distracting me or pulling me in other directions. I’m a stubborn person, though…so, it’s a been a long and very difficult struggle.
I have a very long way to go, but I felt that it was time to share that I see a bit of light now. I’m starting to come out of the deep and dark place. I’m not a climber, so I will have to *trust the process* and take it one small step at a time. Building up with the right tools takes time. 🙂
Things I’ve learned about pride…. (some of these are from various quotes and talks):
–there is no such thing as righteous pride
–the proud stand more in fear of men’s judgement than of God’s judgement. What will ____________ think of me? rather than What will God think of me?
–pride induces competition…having more, doing more than others. Always trying to be MORE so one can WIN. Win what? The praise and glory of other people
–when pride is within us, we are in bondage to our fellow man (to THEIR thoughts and words about us…not to our own or to God’s)
……………and the one that has stuck with me for several days that I have transformed to my own needs:
I MUST BE WILLING to bury MY own personal weapons of war permanently…MY weapons of pride (self-will, competition, and enmity), fear (self-pity), and self-righteousness. I must NOT allow myself to EVER use them again.
On that note, I am learning to not be quite so hard on myself, either. I can’t DO IT ALL and do it all AT ONCE. I am exercising 5 and 6 days a week and making an honest effort in my eating habits of portions and good food. I do find I have to make more of an effort to keep the produce level up as it becomes very easy to fall into a more heavy grain, legume, bean diet if I’m not careful. Slow and steady…I’ve not gained weight. I’m becoming stronger, gaining a bit more self-confidence in things I didn’t think I could do, and trying really hard to just getting through each day.
My kids are doing very well. Son has lost more than 30 pounds since the beginning of the year. He makes sure to exercise almost every day as well…it’s been amazing to see the difference in both of my kids,….daughter down over 25 pounds). Hubby is happy to have gone down two pant sizes and feels great as well.
I am very grateful to my Heavenly Father. Even when I’ve felt so alone, I know He’s been there, watching over me and providing opportunities for me to grow and learn…even when I couldn’t see it at the time. I have to continue to trust in Him, and in the process. One step at a time. 🙂