not good news

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I’ve not told anyone yet outside of my husband and daughter. Son is at scout camp until Saturday…I found out two hours after he left.
Two weeks ago, I experienced horrible pain. To make a long story short, I had a dvt study…normal. An MRI last week. Not normal.

Other than some arthritis on L4-L5 and a slightly bulging disc…..I can deal with that. I have to deal with it all, don’t I? I also have stenosis of the spine. I’m still learning about it….though what I have learned is not encouraging.
I feel overwhelmed. If I drank alcohol…I’d get drunk.

I picked up ice cream and chips instead and am going to have at it.

right now, I’m giving myself a little time to feel sorry for myself, process it all, then I’ll get started on trying to delay the inevitable further degeneration of my spine while I can.

😦

Still here! A goal reached and ……

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So, life became VERY busy, but I must share where I’m standing at this moment in my journey.

We spent two weeks in May abroad in Greece. In the health blog I had before this one, my goal posted there, and reached this year…was to fly without having to ask for a seatbelt extender. I did it! All the flights to Greece and back and the mid-country flight to Crete and back…no extender needed! whoooo hooo!

It was a little tight on one flight, but still doable. 🙂

 

I’ve kept up the exercise until we went, though we walked and climbed all over. With the weight loss and exercise, my stamina was SO much better on this trip. I just kept going and going. Hubby and kids were really impressed. (so was I-lol)

I did, however, pick up a nasty virus on the way home and was pretty sick for just over two weeks. I  began my exercise again after, which lasted for a day before it became so hot and so busy…I had three major life events in one week…good, but overwhelmingly busy.

Last week, another week spent in a fave place while hubby had work. Overall, we’ve been making good choices, though I know the lack of exercise and my portions being bigger than what they should be played a part in me not losing more, but probably gaining some back.I can still fit into the smallest clothing I have, though. 🙂

Not gaining it all back is a good thing for me…another step in the right direction. I’ve gone back to working on my 12 step addiction recovery program. I’m almost done with step 10…which the last steps are more maintaining what I’ve accomplished and fine tuning. It’s a good step by step, take my time and do it right time for me.

Today…on day three of a reboot. Dextoxing is MUCH easier this time. I don’t know for how long I’ll do this. My kids are doing it short term…three days…though dd may do it a day or two longer. Hubby for a week. We do have dinner plans with friends, so I’ll just order the soup and keep it light when we go in a couple of days. It’s good to get back on track with portions and back to more produce with not so many legumes. We have really fallen in love with Indian food and I can make a really great naan bread now. It’s a rare thing to make the bread, though, because I know we’ll devour it! lol

On our recent journies, we’ve  eaten much better. We’ve had some junk, but it didn’t give us the same thrill as before, and we desired it less. that was great for our entire family to experience, too. 🙂 Still glad to be on the reboot as I can tell that I begin to crave more of it, though. I’m just not ignoring and stuffing my pie hole, though.

🙂 It’s all good.

 

Trusting the process

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I’ve been working on the LDS version of the 12 step addiction recovery program. For me, my addiction is food. My drug is food. It’s amazing how much of my life is dedicated to this wonderful and horrible substance. No one’s addiction is harder or easier than another’s, but I must admit that sometimes I wish I were addicted to something else as I can do *cold turkey*. One can’t just walk away from food. We must have it to survive, so I must change my way of thinking and acting towards it.

I’m on step 8 right now. It’s a long and hard ride to get this far, and I know the ride is far from over. I had read lat week to *trust in the process*.  I’ve come to do that…or at least, I’m working on that.

I’ve had several breakthroughs in the last couple of weeks. It’s taken me months to get this far, and the breakthroughs certainly came at a time when it’s *darkest before the dawn*. I look at it all and realize one thing….it’s all a matter of pride.

Sounds a bit weird, huh?

I can’t be humble…teachable…willing to take on new ideas and challenges unless I’m first in a place where I can let go of what is holding me back. Letting go is difficult when it is comfortable and recognizable. Letting go requires being willing to move forward, too.

Part of my struggle is that I’ve wanted to let go, but have been so afraid of giving it up and letting go so completely as to begin a new path. I truly thought I was sincere, and I was, on a more conscious level, I was. I really couldn’t see where I was, though, until I was taken down several notches…..to rock bottom.

Yeah, I’ve been to rock bottom in my life several times over. Each time became a huge turning point, changing my life for in a new direction, and always for the better. I’ve been in such a dark place since the beginning of this program……pushing away those who are closest to me, hiding away, spending part of every single day crying, fighting the dark within me….the battle has been intense. I had to be taken down to such a low place and stripped of everything that I wouldn’t be so weighed down by so much which was distracting me or pulling me in other directions.  I’m a stubborn person, though…so, it’s a been a long and very difficult struggle.

I have a very long way to go, but I felt that it was time to share that I see a bit of light now. I’m starting to come out of the deep and dark place. I’m not a climber, so I will have to *trust the process* and take it one small step at a time. Building up with the right tools takes time. 🙂

Pride.

Things I’ve learned about pride…. (some of these are from various quotes and talks):

–there is no such thing as righteous pride

–the proud stand more in fear of men’s judgement than of God’s judgement. What will ____________ think of me? rather than What will God think of me?

–pride induces competition…having more, doing more than others. Always trying to be MORE so one can WIN. Win what? The praise and glory of other people

–when pride is within us, we are in bondage to our fellow man (to THEIR thoughts and words about us…not to our own or to God’s)

……………and the one that has stuck with me for several days that I have transformed to my own needs:

I MUST BE WILLING to bury MY own personal weapons of war permanently…MY weapons of pride (self-will, competition, and enmity), fear (self-pity), and self-righteousness. I must NOT allow myself to EVER use them again.

*********

On that note, I am learning to not be quite so hard on myself, either. I can’t DO IT ALL and do it all AT ONCE.  I am exercising 5 and 6 days a week and making an honest effort in my eating habits of portions and good food. I do find I have to make more of an effort to keep the produce level up as it becomes very easy to fall into a more heavy grain, legume, bean diet if I’m not careful. Slow and steady…I’ve not gained weight. I’m becoming stronger, gaining a bit more self-confidence in things I didn’t think I could do, and trying really hard to just getting through each day.

My kids are doing very well. Son has lost more than 30 pounds since the beginning of the year. He makes sure to exercise almost every day as well…it’s been amazing to see the difference in both of my kids,….daughter down over 25 pounds). Hubby is happy to have gone down two pant sizes and feels great as well.

I am very grateful to my Heavenly Father.  Even when I’ve felt so alone, I know He’s been there, watching over me and providing opportunities for me to grow and learn…even when I couldn’t see it at the time. I have to continue to trust in Him, and in the process. One step at a time. 🙂

 

 

frustrated….

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So, I weighed in .

I’ve lost only .2 pounds since I weighed in last….at the beginning of March.

I’ve been exercising and eating right….but have struggled with both the last few weeks. I’m grateful I haven’t gained, but I bet I lost and then gained.

Frustrated right now. Going through the program is bringing up demons I’m fighting.

Lack of faith?…..in me?…in God?

Fighting hard to believe in myself as ALL the feelings come rushing at me.

When will I find relief?

Some days…I feel SO powerless and overwhelmed, I’m too scared to move…literally. Fighting not going into depressions. Fighting to think about others and not so much of myself, though with the food addiction program…I’m FORCED to think about myself…then I have to fight the depression and all the feelings.

I have to fight through these ugly battles to win the war, but lately….I find it harder to think I CAN ever win.

struggles

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I grew up in an extremely violent household…abuse of all kinds from both parents. Due to this,  I’ve dealt with clinical depression since childhood.  My brain has functions that don’t connect (in very lay terms of what the doctors have shared with me over time) the way they should. I’ve fought my entire life to stay positive. Sometimes, I win….sometimes….I think of caving in and giving up just to get rid of the pain.

This is not a boo-hoo poor-me session. These are the facts and I have to deal with them.

The past couple of years have been a slow learning and growing experience on many levels. I’m losing weight right now and working on the addiction program for my food issues.  Or am I losing weight? Frustrated….I feel SO hungry all the time right now. I’m eating what I should and drinking plenty of water. I think I’m going through another level of breakthrough in my food addiction, and it’s such a struggle right now.

I’m struggling to not eat the bad stuff. Stupid Nutella I thought was gone! or too much….stupid Nutella!

Every few years I cycle in a difficult depression period. I’m struggling to not go back on anti-depressants with this. I also have hormonal issues (personally I think it’s ALL related). PPMD (the bad version of PMS). Again…not complaining….just stating the facts with which I deal on a constant basis.

Right now….I am struggling.  Everytime I look in the mirror….I swear I can see my face getting fatter. I’m not sleeping the best, so I do have some eye bags and it seems a puffy face. I’m struggling to move physically. The pain inside is so deep right now, I feel frozen…unable to do as I need to. I’m losing my desire to exercise and continue forward…though part of me really wants to…..this is the hard part.

Sometimes…the struggle is so intense….SO intense. I think about suicide. I don’t want to. I don’t plan on it. The idea of my kids stops me from continuing on…but it’s all part of the struggle. My father killed himself. My siblings and I have ALL tried it. It runs deep in our family.

some days….the struggle seems endless…the fight within myself

I do fight with things that uplift me (music, books, etc.)…but when the days are really, really bad….none of it works.

It’s been bad lately.

today

today is very hard

I feel totally and completely alone…an utter failure in everything

just needing to vent and write it down…this is who I am

Confidence

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Where am I? Well, I’m still working at it…even though I became sick AGAIN! I guess my immune system wasn’t built all the way up when I contracted a horrible stomach virus.  After a few days, I finally recovered and it’s a new week. I’ve not exercised while I was sick, and my body is certainly feeling like it’s taking it’s own sweet time in getting back to the swing of things. Aunt Flo also showed up and that doesn’t help much, but another month with NO breakouts and doing much better with it. 😀

I have a few things to share….

I did work outside in the backyard for two hours and I HATE doing that! But…guess what? I did it! Hubby is away until closer to the end of the week for work. I’m feeling better and I’m sick of my backyard looking like a white trash hovel. It was a foreclosure and it all takes time, money, and effort…of which we don’t have much of any of that! lol

I’m believing in myself more. I’ve had belief in myself in certain things, but not physical things. Maybe I became lazy…I don’t know. My husband is very good at doing everything like that..outside and inside with typical *guy stuff* I’m always amazed at my women friends who can do all that,too because I feel so inept. Because I can do more in the exercise dept., and I’ve lost some weight, and, and, and….I’m believing in more of myself…I’ve started taking baby steps in other things. I measured and bought a wall register for our front room. Sounds easy and simple, but I figured I’d mess it up somehow. I didn’t…and I installed it, too. 🙂

I spent the last couple of hours cutting down these super invasive branches, vines, trees from a neighbor that hung over the fence and into our yard by seven feet. ugh! I did it, though! Me! Again…sounds stupid…but it was MY idea and I decided that *I* could do it and *I* did it! I still hate yard work, but these little steps? I CAN do more than I ever thought I could.

I didn’t realize how much I’d lost faith in myself…after all those years of failures in losing weight.

ANother thing to share…….I’m scared. I’m scared I’m going to gain it all back and I’m going to stop losing. I’m scared to step on the scale. I’m scared to take my blood sugars.

I’ve not gone off the deep end, though I have had a couple of goodies. I did eat a tiny bit of dark chocolate…truly, that’s it!…I controlled myself!…when Aunt Flo started. Then, I found a bag of German cookies (argh!)…ate a few…again.that’s it…but took them out to my kids and shared that I not only did it, but didn’t want to hide it from anyone and that I was throwing the bag in the trash. They each took one little cookie and then I dumped it all.

It felt good to do that. Other than that, I have been good about eating and portions. Sometimes I don’t get enough water in, and I’ve not used my app to count calories, but I have been counting them in my head.

It’s all head games with myself. It’s a constant struggle. I know I’ll have to fight it every day of my life. On one hand, I’ve been tempted to give it all up…then, I have these little I CAN moments and I remember that it’s about so much more than my weight. It’s a way of thinking about myself that is different…that is taking time and I must be patient with myself. I want to lose the weight more quickly, though I keep looking at the mirror and wonder if I’m gaining it all back anyway. See? Head games! argh!

It won’t happen overnight. I need to keep on keeping on. I am moving more, period. I’m gaining confidence in myself when I didn’t know I’d lost it, and I’m slowly, very slowly….finding me.